Recently

 What I’ve been Obsessed About Recently:
My evening schedule tends to be extremely erratic, but there’s nothing I love more than spending my free, precious weeknight hours on books and movies. (And bouldering and confiding my deepest secrets in my journal, of course.) I’m so thankful to be able to escape the real world and get lost in the stories. 
 
A few of my recent obsessions:

I’m glad my mom died:
Wow, I loved this book! It was really special. I listened to the Audio Book version narrated by the author for 7 hours straight last Sunday. It was the perfect book to listen to wandering around aimlessly in the rain. I didn’t expect to like it so much, but Jeannette McCurdy truly spills all of the tea here. I never watched ICarly since I didn’t have cable growing up, but I definitely am familiar with the show and characters through fandoms back in my Tumblr phase. Nevertheless, it was so real hearing about her story growing up, and listening to it felt like having a friend confide in you. She shared so many details that I would have been so uncomfortable sharing publicly. Even though I’m the furthest thing from a star child actor, I could relate to parts of her struggles. The eating disorder and toxic relationship parts were too real. I really felt it when she would keep score on how many calories she had or was strong enough to resist eating until nighttime, when it would all unravel. I feel like eating disorders can feel deceptively empowering because it gives you something that you can have control over, when the rest of your life is going down in flames. When you have no power or voice in any other aspect of your life, at least you have power over your mind and body. It was also really heartbreaking to see her relationship with her mom and how detrimental it was for her health, but how could you ever blame your own parent? Of course you would defend your own mom and justify her decisions, even if she did abuse you. And the sad part is you don’t even know it is abuse until you experience another environment or someone tells you, because it all seems so normal to you.

Cabin at the End of the World: 1/5 stars. This book was a classic cabin invasion story with apocalyptic elements. It possessed an interesting idea; however, it felt extremely contrived. Additionally, the length of the book isn’t justified given the plot and lack of character development - I had to force myself to keep going at parts. I thought the real horror (much moreso than the bizarre violent scenes that involved the insane, masked intruders murdering one of their own) was how “everyday people” could lose their autonomy and sense of social responsibility due to a set of beliefs. The POV shift at the end added to the anxiety and quickened the pace. The book left the ending open ended, leaving the reader to question what happened and to formulate their own ending. 
 
No Hard Feelings: A super enjoyable, predictable, feel-good movie all around, starring Jennifer Lawrence!
 
Mission Impossible DR: Epic! Loved escaping to another world, especially since my dream is becoming a super spy. The action scenes were simply stunning, and it was entertaining the entire 3 hours. Tom Cruise is at least a v10+ climber, judging from his skills from the train scene. Gorgeous actors/actresses.
 
JoyRide: I love this type of movie – hilarious and heartfelt. I loved seeing these characters with wildly different personalities become friends over the course of a raunchy trip to China. I’m also addicted to listening to WAP again – such a gorgeous and hype song, no shame. Deadeye was my favorite character – she is unabashedly herself despite not being traditionally “cool” and seems like a genuine person I wish I was friends with. The movie was hilarious and somehow managed to explore family, identity, and friendship.

Works Well with Others: I thought that Works Well with Others by Ross McCammon did a great job of compiling rules into easily digestible and relatable lessons, from how to write an email to how to give a speech when you're terrified of giving speeches. I enjoyed the overarching memoir of his career and could relate to how he was forced to adapt to an entirely different milieu than what he was used to - Ross transitioned from working at a small suburban Dallas magazine to navigating his dream job at Esquire in New York. My favorite part of the book was how he reminded us to think of important executives as people first. He reminds us that "important" people are just like us and that we are equals to them - they stumble over their words sometimes and get spinach stuck in their teeth - and that conversations with anyone are simply about the human being, stripped of status.

Dopamine Nation: There were a number of concepts that resonated heavily with me in this book. Although many are things that we know or have likely heard of before, it was a good reminder for me to read about and to actually strive to do. 

First, I would like to practice exposure therapy to overcome uncomfortable emotions, like how a patient in the book forced himself to make small talk with his coworkers, because talking to strangers was his biggest fear. Exposing yourself to the very thing you are terrified of is a way to grow, as uncomfortable as it may be. 

Next, I would like to practice radical honesty. Telling the truth draws people in, especially when we’re willing to expose our own vulnerabilities. This is counterintuitive because sometimes we think people may want to distance themselves when they learn about our character flaws and transgressions. Also, there is a line between honest self disclosure and a manipulative story shared to entertain and show off rather than teach and learn. The stories that we narrate about our lives can also shape our behavior. We must fight the victim narrative and take responsibility for our part in bad outcomes. We must be accountable in order to move forward in our lives.

A particularly interesting section was how psychotropic drugs may cause us to lose a part of our humanity. For instance, some patients noticed that while their psychiatric medications offered short-term relief from painful emotions, they also limited their ability to experience the full range of emotions, especially powerful ones like awe and grief. I think the lows are worth it; they are an essential part of the human condition. (But this is coming someone who took Tylenol to try to cope with extreme emotional pain recently.)
 
Stay True is a memoir that explores what it means to be a friend. To be a friend means to be willing to know someone. This was my friend Gillian’s recommendation.
 
That’s it so far. As much as I love discovering new books and shows, I also love watching my favorite shows and movies over and over and over and over again (Legend of the Seeker, Criminal Minds, Arthur, Spirit, Rush Hour…), just as much. Familiar content is wonderfully easy to absorb. Consuming familiar content gives my brain a rest and acts like a time machine, allowing me to escape the present for a short while and to fall back into a simpler time. When I read or watch something new, I try to wait until I’m in a refreshed state or had enough sleep so that I can focus intensely on it. This is relevant for music as well. I tend to listen to tried-and-true playlists when I am working versus listening to something new, which demands heightened attention.

Stuff from this list I would re-watch or read in the near future: Joy Ride, I’m Glad my Mom Died, and Mission Impossible. 
 
Fav Books of the moment:
Brave New World
The Call of the Wild
Fahrenheit 451
The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime

 

Past Lives Recap

Celine Song’s Past Lives is a sentimental, introspective film that entwines beautiful concepts about connection, time, and sense of longing for what could have been. The movie begins with scenes of Na Young and Hae Sung as elementary school sweethearts in Seoul, having play dates outside and walking on hilly roads home together. After twelve years pass, we see that Na Young and Hae Sung have gone their separate ways, working on distinct careers, having their own friends, and going about their day-to-day. Na Young has immigrated to America and lives in a crammed apartment in New York City to chase her dream of becoming an acclaimed writer, while Hae Sung has stayed in meditative, peaceful Korea pursuing engineering studies after military service. The two find each other on Facebook and reconnect via video chats. The connection is intense and palpable as they rekindle the spark they had in their childhood. Nevertheless, they eventually decide to stop talking, recognizing different life ambitions.

 

The Triple Threat Opening Scene at the Times Square AMC

Fast forward another twelve years. Hae Sung travels across the world to visit New York City on vacation (or so he says… he is truly there to see Na Young, who is now married to Arthur, a Jewish man that she met at a writing camp in Montauk.) The special connection between them is clear despite all of the time that has passed. The world seems to dreamily melt around them when they are in each other’s company. Na Young sees Hae Song as someone from her past life in Korea, which makes her wonder about what life would look like if she stayed. To explore fully into her own Korean background is to also explore the possibilities of another life, the life of growing up in or moving back to Korea and even being with Hae Sung. This is painful to dive into, since life can only be lived forward: what’s done is done, and the relentless motion of time is inevitable. At the end of the day, the two confront their past and the present and consider what could have been. In a heartfelt discussion, they examine the concept of inyeon – a Korean word regarding the encounters we share with others over countless lifetimes.

 

They hug each other goodbye. After Hae Sung steps in the taxi to the airport, Na Young finally breaks down and cries. It’s an intense emotional release and a universal experience. It reminds me of seeing an ex for the first time long after ending things. You hug them, and all of the memories come rushing back and the longing that comes with seeing them or hoping to fix things encompassed in the ache. I like how the movie doesn’t romanticize soulmates or fate. Instead, pervasive throughout is a stubborn heartache for something familiar but far away. This is a challenging emotion to contend with. It’s like a subtle headache on a gloomy day. It does not take over your life, but it is noticeable. You might want to chase the longing, but you need to move on with your life. Even though it can never be, you cling on to it. In this way, it can be even more addictive than another part of the relationship because it is a fantasy of what it could have been, rather than the actuality. While the movie is full of poetic dialogue and accompanied by a reflective, graceful soundtrack, it leaves silences and space for us to reminisce about our own experiences on who we are becoming, our own fateful choices, and what could have been. In this way, the movie tackles the life questions of, “what if?” “How do I move forward while also honoring my past?” and explores feelings and experiences that transcend their specific story.